Words by Stephen Shelverton
Photography by Carly Grace | @sublimesyndrome
If I was to offer any advice to a prospective music journo, I would say one thing: “Find a band that makes you want to write about them, like Private Function do for me.”
I don’t write about Private Function – I just capture the mayhem, the splendour, and record the undisputed kings and queens of contemporary Aussie punk for Australian music historical accuracy. Because it has to be done! The delirium of a PF gig writes itself, leaving your body bruised, battered, and brain awash in adrenaline, dopamine, and endorphins. Come join the Privateers as we smell sweet Shrug Goopy from the mosh!
Private Function (PF) are: Aidan McDonald (drums, vox), Chris Penney (lead vox), Milla Holland (bass, vox), Anthony Biancofiore (lead guitar, backing vox), Lauren Hester (guitar), James Macleod (keys) – absent tonight.
Earlier this month, I went to Crowbar Sydney to see a PF gig. Meeting the band pre-show, during my introduction to the new addition to the PF family – key tickler James – his partner asked me who I wrote for. I responded, “Ahhh, Private Function!” which garnered a healthy laugh from the PF crew. If you’ve been to a PF show, you’ll understand why I feel compelled to do so. And with the blistering new album ‘¯\_(“/)_/¯’ (check out my review here), you’ll see why the expansion of the PF repertoire has only bolstered this punk addiction – for all parties, after-parties… and after the after-parties.
PF gigs are a full cabaret, dinner-and-a-show, 365-degree experience. The line between stage and audience is blurred more than a double dose of conjunctivitis and/or a dozen fireballs. To refocus that into bloody perspective: during a recent Perth gig, Chris sustained a gushing head wound after diving two storeys into the mosh below him, yet somehow finished the set.
Today, bruised, battered, and with my punk cup refilled after a Brightside bonanza, I’m going to break it down into segments I’ve drafted based on my PF prior experience – easily digestible for fellow Privateers. The segments are:
Fast Johnny and the Slow Burners – photos by Carly Grace | @sublimesyndrome
Were the hand-selected support bands on-brand with the PF vibe?
PF are renowned for hand-selecting bands like a razor-sharp claw machine seeking vibrant, entertaining acts that border marginally on insanity. Tonight, it’s Fast Johnny and the Slow Burners (FJATSBs) and the largest ensemble in Meanjin with the best name: Fat Dog and The Tits (FDATTs), baby!
Having previously interviewed both bands over on OnlyBands, and appearing as an NPC in an FDATTs film clip – Queen of the Junkyard – loyally biased blood pulsates through my black heart for them both. These acts have repped the hell out of the Brisbane punk community, backing every band that comes to town. Their work ethic is almost as prolific as their musical skill and ability to party on at the afters.
Fast Johnny is breakneck-beat 1950s rock-a-rolla punk badassery. Like putting Buddy Holly 45s in a concrete mixer with motorbike oil and setting it to full vortex. Jorge – aka Swellbows – led from the front, squeezing in 12 songs in record time, aided by skin master Ryan, and welcoming back original bass player Lindsay. FJATSBs rocked the living shit out of Brightside. Check out their new EP if you want to relive Ain’t Slowin Down, Self-Depreciation, and the earlier demo – my favourite dancing song – CRIMES.
FAAAT DAAAAWG! You just have to experience the full-scale entertainment of a 7-piece band, complete with clarinet, psychedelic keys, half a dozen guitarists, a grinning menace on drums, and the swooning, sultry Sam with her veiled threats of exposing her nipples to everyone. Super Mullet gave us all the superpowers we needed tonight. Speaking of Super Mullet, wait till I tell you about the surprise cameo from Aaron ‘Gocsy’ Gocs!
Fat Dog and The Tits – photos by Carly Grace | @sublimesyndrome
Private Function
Privateers had an extended break to relace Doc Martens, place in mouthguards, remove t-shirts, limber up, make their last wills and testaments, and spread sawdust in the pit – prepping for the mayhem ahead. Chris Penney shared his surprise with me about running 40 minutes early! That gave me time to hunt down six scraps of paper for the setlist. Glad I did – all of them ended up a beer-soaked pulpy mash by the end of the night.
How frantic did the mosh get?
Well, when the set opens with Jushavinageez, catapulting from Chris’ mouth, how do you think it went? It took a microsecond for the dormant mosh to explode like a car bomb. I couldn’t resist the gravitational pull to the front, where I somehow remained for the 16–18 song set – protected by a giant of a man named Sloth from topless skeletons surfing the crowd and driving my brittle kneecaps into the stage wall. No barriers. No seccies. Just self-regulating punks running the show.
Chris, Milla, and Aidan spent most of their time crowd-surfing, sweat-lathered, with cables trailing through the chaos. Miraculously, no one was decapitated.
Private Function – photos by Carly Grace | @sublimesyndrome
Was a band member injured, impaled, hospitalised?
Partially. Chris had blood running down his face during Gamma Ray, right onto the shapely chest of his FDATTs Tits t-shirt. (Carly’s photo will clarify my crudeness.) But ‘tis just a flesh wound – shrugged off on the ‘Shrug’ tour. Milla flaunted an ACL tear, convulsing demonically on the floor during Thick of It All.
What was the craziest thing that happened?
I should be giving you a technical breakdown of sound and musicianship. But sorry, there is no such thing as a passive observer in the Privateer Brigade. You are an active participant.
None more active than punk legend Aaron ‘Gocsy’ Gocs, who, in his industrial-strength double pluggers and Super Mullet, hoisted Chris onto his shoulders during, I think, I Wish Australia Had Its Guns Again. It was a moment worthy of being bronzed outside The Brightside. Speaking of entrance – I narrowly had Gocsy’s rear graze my face when he lowered Chris back to ground level.
Perhaps inspired, Chris followed up by flashing his arse during Fuck Me Dead, or was it Bum Cigs, Cum Big? Can’t recall. Maybe Grabbing My Butt? Two hairy butts in my face made space and time a blur. I didn’t grab either.
Private Function – photos by Carly Grace | @sublimesyndrome
Was there an extra special tribute moment?
YES! When Private Function pull out a cover, they really know how to smash it out of the park and give it their own unique twist – In honour of the recently departed Brian Wilson, PF launch into I Get Around. Presented by Mike Love, Chris‘s fingerless leather glove hand puppet with googly eyes. The mosh formed a vortex for the song!
Did PF make new fans?
When the Brightside stage started to groan under a hundred punks, all shuffling to the ode Albury Wodonga, I think it’s fair to exclaim – hell yes!
Massive credit to sound tech/stage boss Tash, who warned the show would be pulled unless the punk parade cleared the stage. But we still got core memories built without the need for seccies, before she expertly reeled it back in for one last bang.
The Privateer membership rose once again. It’s always more party than gig at a PF show. The wildest part? Even with all their edge and chaos, PF are some of the most caring, endearing people in Aussie music – standing firm on their social beliefs and loyal to the fans. A certified punk national treasure.
And can we talk about how chill Anthony and Lauren are? As the stage was overrun, Anthony casually adjusted his pedalboard and prepped for the killer send-off Duct Tape, while Lauren smiled in full spirit and the crowd were welcomed on stage to mosh along.
Look, I can’t make you buy Goopy, grab a shirt, or see a PF gig. That’s totally up to you. But if you want unforgettable core memories, meet the sweetest lunatics in music, and reshape your life in the best way – enlist as a Privateer. You’ll be happier. You’ll have stories. And you’ll never look back.
PF STILL ON TOP!!!
Thanks to AANTHOLOGIES
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